Semantics
by 2028
Summary: 2,464 words of pure crack fanfiction. Colby decides to accompany David on a shopping trip. No D/G.


"What you are doing right now?"

David stopped in the middle of the aisle and looked down at his phone. He put the phone back up to his ear and answered Colby.

"Grocery shopping".

"Why?"

"I have no food in my apartment" and before Colby could add anything David continued "And I do not like take out".

"Fair enough".

"Why are you calling?"

"I am not allowed to call and say hello?"

"Well, you certainly can, but this is the first time you have so I was wondering if maybe you had another reason. You have not been abducted by aliens or squirrels or something have you?"

"No and squirrels?"

"You were the one who said the squirrels in Idaho were like law enforcement who eat acorns".

"Yes, but why per say would I have been kidnapped by law enforcement?"

"I do not know. Crazier things have happened". David replied casually tossing a loaf of bread into the cart, before deciding he did not want it and carefully setting it back on the shelf.

"Are you almost done grocery shopping?"

"No, my grocery exploits have just started. Why?"

"I can come meet you?"

"I suppose but do you really have nothing better to do with your Saturday?"

"I am in a ridiculously good mood right now and the birds outside my window are not particularly stimulating conversationalists".

"Wait, this is LA. You have birds outside your window?"

"Not really; that is why they are not riveting conversationalists".

"So you are sitting in your apartment, talking to the nonexistent birds outside your window in a city where all the birds have dropped dead". That comment got him a weird look from the man standing next to him at the cheese counter.

"Nope".

"Because now you are talking to me and not the birds?"

"Scary good, man. Which grocery has the luck of your presence?"

"The Safeway on Wilshire Boulevard".

"Ah, but unfortunately you do not have the luck of its presence".

"Do not go bad mouthing Safeway".

"Ah, David defending the honor of your local grocery store?"

"No".

"I think you are".

"I am defending cheap produce".

"You know if you want to live longer, you should eat organic food".

"Why would I do that?"

"Ah" Colby said "you know they spray the food with all kinds of chemicals that kill bugs and they genetically modify the food to die after one season and they make all the corn a clone of the corn before it so if one piece of corn gets sick, they all get sick. Sometimes they all die. So basically you are supporting the mass deaths of corn all across the country".

David set the corn he was holding back on the table.

"Oh, yea. Massive corn deaths uh? So what type of foods should I avoid?"

Colby was a little shocked that he managed to get David's attention but decided to take advantage.

"Avoid the dirty dozen"

"Dirty as in covered in dirt?"

"Dirty as covered in chemicals".

"Oh" David said. "What would that be?"

"From the top? Strawberries, spinach, nectarines, apples, peaches, pears, cherries, grapes, celery, tomatoes, sweet bell peppers, potatoes, and hot peppers".

David paused for a second. "And you just know these things off the head of your head?"

"I know many things off the top of my head".

"You really do not".

"How would you know what I know off the top of my head?"

"Uh, I have spent five years doing stake outs with you; I know most of the things you know at any level of your head".

"At any level of my head?"

David signed forcefully into the phone. "You talk a lot and sometimes I can't get out the way fast enough".

"Not that much".

"A lot"

"I am going to ignore that".

"You say that a lot too".

"Did you pick the organic grapes this time?"

"Yes" David said, picking the grapes out of his chart and setting them back on the display.

"Did you just take them back out of your cart?"

"Now, how could you know that?"

"I know many things about you at many levels of your head".

David paused. "You're right. That does sound creepy when you put it that way" he admitted.

"At least we agree on something".

There was a pause in the conversation.

"Do not pick those peppers. Were you not listening to the dangerous chemical song and dance?"

"Dude, how you could possibly know about the peppers?"

Suddenly David felt his phone lifted out of his hand and he turned around to see Colby holding his phone, grinning.

"You are not supposed to talk and drive" David accused.

"That law does not go into effect until the beginning of next month".

"Are you sure? I thought it was last month".

"Now you are just scrambling because you do not want to admit I stuck up on you".

In retribution, David snatched the phone out of Colby's hands.

"Not very polite. Plus I have bluetooth".

"Go figure out which apples I am allowed to buy". David ordered, pointing.

Colby grinned and walked off. David followed.

"You are aware that these apples are ten cents more a pound".

"That is actually pretty good. Last month the difference was twenty-three cents and in the winter the difference can get up to fifty cents".

"You are a totally food nerd. How did you hide it this long?"

"If we could just get the chemicals ban, no one would be allowed to use them anymore and the markup on organic food would do down because it would be the only food available".

"So a food nerd but not a supply and demand nerd. You know companies with a monopoly just keep raising the prices" David critiqued.

"Yea, but if they had more customers and the government subsided only the organic stuff that issue would be mediated. Plus organic farmers have morals".

"They ignore the temptation of capitalism?"

"Yup".

David got in front of Colby and looked at him skeptically.

"Fine" Colby rolled his eyes. "Maybe not all of them".

David looked down at this cart and realized that Colby filled it with all the usual things he buys but all the organic versions. He met Colby's eyes.

"You talk a lot too".

"Surely I do not go around reciting my grocery list?"

"No but you complain whenever the store runs out of things".

"And you have memorized every complaint from the last five years?"

"You complain a lot and in a memorable fashion".

"How does one complain in a memorable manner?"

"Like that".

"Like what?"

"Like that. Whenever you are pissed about work you swear, whenever you are pissed about groceries, you get all Nathaniel Hawthorne on me".

"First of all, Nathaniel Hawthorne?"

"Yea, he wrote The Scarlet Letter"

"I know what he wrote".

Colby looked at David.

"I did have to go to high school to get this job" David defended himself.

"And yet you managed to get out of school without hearing about the dirty dozen". Coby shook his head at the tragic circumstances.

"I went to L.A. public schools. Are you claiming you learned this stuff in school and not through the Discovery Channel".

"Oh, you do listen when I talk".

David glared.

"Yea, half the people in my classes were from ranch families. This stuff was discussed the way reality tv shows are here".

"Wow".

"Hey, at least, I am less likely to get Parkinson's".

"Pesticides cause Parkinson's?"

"Pesticides kill bugs. Why would they not kill humans?"

"I never thought about it"

"Well there you go".

David stopped to consider Colby, who kept moving down the aisle. Somehow his cart had gotten out from under his hands and Colby was now pushing it.

"Are you coming?"

"Uh, yea".

"Are you seriously going to eat gouda cheese with garlic flavored Triscuits?" Apparently they had moved past deathly fruit.

"What?" Colby was looking at him expectedly. "Um, yea".

"You need sharp cheddar. It is the only real cheese out there".

"Real cheese?"

"Yea, you know real cheese, cheese that tastes good, not fake cheese".

"How on earth can you fake cheese?"

"You have heard of American cheese, yes? That stuff is not cheese; that is a bio hazard".

"While I agree with you there, I am not sure all other cheeses quality as fake cheeses".

"They do".

"Whatever".

"I'm right".

Colby was down organizing the boxes in his chart so they sat in lines instead of a pile. "What are doing to my groceries?"

"I am organizing them into rows so they can be bagged more easily".

David was wondering if he wandered into an alternative universe by mistake.

"Seriously if you put all the cold stuff in one bag, it is less likely to spoil in the car".

"I live three blocks away".

"Then you should not be driving".

David threw up his hands.

"Also if you put the vegetables and the meat in separate bags, your vegetables are still vegetarian when you serve them".

"Serve them to who?"

"Vegetarians".

"I do not know any vegetarians" David half shouted.

"Or vegans" Colby mused, completely ignoring David.

"Is this how you fill your weekends? Going around hijacking people's shopping trips?"

"Only some people".

"What did I do to deserve this treatment?"

"Treatment? I am helping you. So far I have saved you from possible chemical damage, a disastrous cheese and cracker combination and contaminated your vegetables " Colby graciously offered.

David rolled his eyes. "My vegetables do not need you to rescue them".

Colby was back to ignoring David's comments. "And I am about to save you from yellow teeth". Colby tossed a box of toothpaste into the chart. How they arrived in the personal care aisle, David will never know.

"That is not the type of toothpaste I use".

"It should be. Coffee stains your teeth, you know".

"Are you a dentist?"

"No"

"Are you my mother?"

"What, I have to have a medical license or a biological relation to want you to have teeth when you are sixty?"

"Stains do not make your teeth fall out".

"Are you a dentist?"

"You are infuriating".

"Thank you".

"Why are you buying shampoo? I'm bald".

"This type of shampoo is not for hair".

"What the hell? I am not buying a specific kind of soap for the top of my head".

"Just making sure you are paying attention".

"Well now I am".

"Hey what are you doing after this?"

"Putting away the insane amount of organic produce you forced upon me". David deadpanned.

"Yup, but after that?"

"Putting away the crackers you forced upon me".

"After that?"

"Putting away the new toothpaste you forced upon me".

"Yup, but after that?"

"I imagine you are about to tell me".

"Yup".

David's phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Did Colby find you?"

"Hey Don. Yea Colby found me. Why?"

"We have a scene and I called him to tell you, but he was laughing as he agreed so I wanted to make sure the message was not lost in translation".

"Worse. A translation attempt was not even made. Send me the address?"

Don hung up and David looked at Colby.

"We have a scene".

"Yes, and now you have groceries. It is amazing how things work".

"Were you ever planning on telling me this?"

"Eventually".

"Like, three seconds after you kidnapped me and we drove there?"

"And you claim not to understand me" Colby said, monitoring them towards check out.

"This is literal insanity".

"Well, let's go".

"What about my expense, organic, non Parkinson's causing produce?"

"Put in it a cooler bag".

"I do not own one of those".

"You do now". Colby was currently packing all of David's vegetables into a neon purple cooler bag.

"They work on ice cream?" David asked, peering inside.

"No, but you did not buy ice cream".

"I did".

"You did not. I put it back".

"Seriously, you are messing with my ice cream options?"

"You drink sugar in your coffee. Ice cream is really pushing it".

David mentally restricted himself from strangling a very smug looking Colby.

"You eat ice cream".

"Yes, but I do not drink sugar in my coffee. You can only have one".

David and Colby carried this argument through the checkout and the cashier caught David's eyes near the end.

"Just my opinion" she started "You have never really have too much sugar".

Colby and David took the interruption in stride and continued to argue in the nearly empty store.

"You really can have too much sugar. It is called diabetes aka the seventh leading cause of death in the U.S."

"You sure have absorbed every documentary on the Discovery channel".

"David, you continued insulting of the Discovery channel is reaching a startling level".

David rolled his eyes and turned to the cashier.

"What do you think?"

"It seems like a heavy topic" she started, smiling at them "But I would say that the channel contains useful information. For example, who knew that lions ate their own clubs when there are too many males in a given born year?"

David looked affronted that she considered that useful information, while Colby nodded along.

"It is useful. Although, we would need a standard definition for 'too many males'" Colby stated.

"Right the next time we all get kidnapped by lions, I'll ask".

"David, what is it with you today? So far I have been kidnapped by squirrels and lions".

"That is the crazy part of this argument?" David had a flabbergasted look on his face.

"Something else you would rather argue about?" Colby asked.

The cashier spoke up again. "You could argue about whether to use paper or plastic, but please finish before my shift ends, so I can see who wins".

"How is this my life?" David muttered as Colby and the cashier engaged in a heartfelt discussion about the banning of plastic bags.

"Really without plastic bags the garbage patches in the Pacific would be much smaller". Colby started, leading the cashier to argue that the improper disposal of plastic bags resulted in the problem, not the bags themselves.

In this time, David collected up the rest of his grogeries, bagged them in the new cooler bags, signed the receipt the cashier had prepared before beginning the argument with Colby and left the store.

Colby followed about thirty seconds later and the two FBI agents continued to the crime scenes and acted like professionals and only dissolved into one argument about the size of the hole in the ozone layer. Well, two arguments. Colby was set off again when David sarcastically informed Don he had a hundred dollars worth of organic produce in his truck, but the presence of LAPD prevented a debate about the importance of eating the clean fifteen.


End file.
